Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
😆this is so true
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.