me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
You Might Also Like
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄