Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
You Might Also Like
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.