[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
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nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.