How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Legend 🤣🤣
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
This is my cat’s medicine.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”