[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up