Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
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Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.