Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
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12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?