A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls