Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
This is why I hate group projects
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh