boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
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Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Raisins are grape jerky.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard