*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
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My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Trying