Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
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trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?