Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
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A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email