early stone age tool
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“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.