I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
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My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
i will not be silenced
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.