My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
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A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Birds & Planes.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
kids play hide and seek like
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.