It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
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hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.