The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Harsh but fair
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
what does he know…
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Pigeon open mic night.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.