My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
worst…sale…ever
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.