Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
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“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma鈥檃m this is a McDonald鈥檚
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I鈥檓 sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they鈥檙e watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I鈥檇 marry me
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Keep this between us, but I鈥檝e snuck Don鈥檛 Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I鈥檝e ever had.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
We鈥檙e lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
this is me
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
When you want your ball, but you don鈥檛 want to get wet
馃幘馃挧馃挦
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Her: I鈥檓 an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”