Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
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Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Maths meets science