I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
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If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?