[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
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Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
*me flirting
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Breaking news:
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber