Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
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Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.