The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
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I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
My dog learned how to text
early stone age tool
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Hello, my name is Pierre.