People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
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My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I think we should hear other voices.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
The hardest thing Vision has to do
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!