Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
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Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
This trial is so absurd 😭
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.