Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
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the only bumper sticker ill allow
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.