*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
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I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print