I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
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Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.