*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?