I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
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Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars