If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
You Might Also Like
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Meow
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem