“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
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It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*