My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
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Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
God has left this place
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.