I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
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How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
s
oc
i
a
l
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.