What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
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It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
a badder mouse
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.