They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
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Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.