I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
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Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.