If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
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when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
My blood type is coffee.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*