“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
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It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup