I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
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[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*