Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
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Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Lmao
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.