8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
You Might Also Like
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.