mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
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*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.