The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.