My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
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They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I’m having an out of money experience.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
the #horror is real!
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely