This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
You Might Also Like
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.