Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
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On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
When you’re Kinky but poor
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
They’re really bad with fonts.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.